Dean's break
by littlenightbirdy
Summary: Dean's final break after Sam's harsh words. Set kinda after The Purge 9x13 . Guess there's not gonna be mark of cain effects. A lot feelings, all mistakes are mine. Dean angst hurt
1. Chapter 1

**This story is about Dean's break after harsh Sam's words. It's kinda after The Purge or something. J**

**Hi everyone! So, I write this story weeks ago, just was too lazy to publish it I guess. There are more chapters, I'm just translating it to English :D English is not my native language, and I'm not 100 precent good at it. So, there might me mistakes, and there are, i'm sure of it, but i am doing my best :D . Don't be pissed at me because of it! J - Ieva**

Chapter 1

No, Dean, I wouldn't.

These words make Dean's heart shatter to small, tiny pieces.

He felt like something inside had broken broken broken, like glass shattering shattering shattering...

He never felt worse in his life, not even in Hell.

His brother had betrayed him. For all impossible ways. He said he don't trust him. Don't need him. That he is not worth saving.

'I'm nothing. Nothing. Sammy hates me. He hates me. He don't want to be brothers with me. He probably wants to see me dead. I never thought that I am such a disappointment. I never knew what he really thinks about me. But he truly thinks, that I'm pathetic. Worthless. Unneeded. Disappointment. Burden. Such a fragile broken thing.

They all were right, after all. I am nothing. Just a burden. I don't deserve to live. All I've deserve is to burn in Hell for what I did. Nothing more...' Dean thought.

He was sitting in the kitchen and drinking second bottle of whiskey.

Sam left him hours ago, but he couldn't go to sleep. Couldn't relax. All memories, all the things that he had ever done were running through his head like roll caster. He felt nothing. He was in the bottom of the blackest hole, and there was no way out of it.

He felt 100 percent worthless.

Now nothing was important.

Now he hated himself so much, so damn much! He couldn't even hold back tears; they were streaming down his face and crashing on the floor.

Not like anyone can come in and see them.

He started to shake, even had to put a bottle of whiskey on the table. It was almost empty.

Dean smirked.

'That bottle is as empty as I am'

He angrily wiped away tears and stood up.

Then laughed.

'Gee, Sam, I think you are right. I'm pathetic. Now I know why you hate me. Well, I hate me too now. Maybe more.'

Dean headed straight to his room. He felt so damn tired. He just wanted to sleep and never wake up again.

He hardly fell on the bed.

Head was pounding like someone was hitting it with a damn hammer. He felt like shit.

Then he just closed his eyes, still wet with tears, and forced himself to sleep.

Because reality was just too bad.


	2. Chapter 2

**So, it's a new chapter! Still translating... :D Maybe chapters are way too short, but the next one is gonna be longer. I can promise you that! I almost translated it, so, not be waiting too long!**

**Please, review! J**

Chapter 2

4.16 am

'Ahhhh' Dean groaned.

He still felt tired. He slept for what? Almost 2 hours? And still, he was dreaming such an awful things... How Sam shot him in Asylum, how he was killing him before heading out with Ruby, how hellhounds were killing him, his time in Hell, Alastair, how Sam said that Dean is not worth saving...

'Why I woke up...?' moaned Dean. He felt nauseous, head was pounding, he felt like shit. Wanted to sleep. But he couldn't. He didn't want to dream it all over again. It was just too hard.

He sat up.

His view went dark for a moment. Head was spinning.

But he forced himself to stand up and walked out of the room straight to the kitchen.

Now he needed to drink something.

xzzzccd

It was late evening when Sam walked into the kitchen.

Dean was sitting on the chair, drinking, again, and looking into computer with non-seeing eyes.

Sam said nothing just made some coffee for himself.

Dean stood up and headed to the fridge. He opened it and then closed it angrily.

'Did you take my bear?' asked Sam angrily.

'No, guess not. Maybe you drank it and didn't even notice' Sam said.

'Don't lie' grunted Dean.

Sam looked at him pissed, angerin his eyes, and shouted out:

'You know what, Dean? You can go straight to Hell with all this shit of yours right now.'

Dean froze.

Sammy send him to hell.

'Fine' he said very quietly and calmly, and then walked out of the room, leaving Sam confused.

xzc

Sam felt cold.

After Dean so strangely leaved, he felt guilty.

His words were a little harsh, yeah. Dean already looked like crap...

'Whoa, whoa whoa, wait.' he stopped himself. 'You said what you had to. And you don't have to feel guilty of the truth.'

'But I am.'

'Maybe it wasn't the truth then.'

Sam blinked from his inner conversation.

Yeah, he felt guilty of his words. But he wanted Dean to learn this damn lesson once and for all. It can't keep going like this. He gotta understand.

But Sam didn't felt right.

He felt sinking feeling in his stomach.

All his instincts were screaming that something is wrong.

Something is really really wrong.

xzc

Dean closed his room's door.

He felt tears in his eyes.

He felt wrong.

Felt useless.

Sam's words were screaming in his head.

_You can go straight to Hell, Dean._

_Straight to Hell, Dean._

_To Hell._

Sammy wanted him go back to Hell.

Maybe for what he did.

Dean felt hard.

He never, not even once thought that Sam hated him so much.

But he did.

Dean sobbed.

'I am useless. Nothing. Worthless. Burden. Peace of shit. Pathetic. Everybody hates me. Sam hates me. He wants to see me dead. Don't wanna be brothers. He never wanted this life, I threw him back into it, nothing strange, that he hates me. I ruined up everything. So what's the point? I can't even do anything right. But I can give Sammy what he wants. For once I can do something right. I can end all this. It will be better for everyone' Dean thought.

Dean picked up the knife.

'Don't hate me more'


	3. Chapter 3

**So, there is chapter 3! Okay, if you don't like chick-flick moments or horror or something, don't read it! **

**Please, review**

Chapter 3

Sam heard bells in his head ringing 'wrongwrongwrong'

Now bunker was way too quiet.

Something was terribly wrong.

Sam stood up and walked way to Dean's room. Every step closer, his mind was screaming for more wrong.

He stopped.

Dean's room.

It was so damn quiet... and then he heard sob and then voice saying 'don't hate me more'.

Now instincts were screaming to do something, because everything seemed too wrong here.

He knocked at the door.

Everything went way too quiet.

'Dean?'

Nothing.

Sam didn't wait for anything and walked in. But he stopped paralyzed by the view in the room. He was in shock.

'Dean?' he asked again.

xcz

Dean was standing near the bed, at the table with the knife in his hand.

He was pale and shaking, Sam noticed. He held knife and was looking at it even with passion. There were tears in his eyes.

Jesus fucking christ.

Sam just stood in the doorway, he couldn't move. He was in shock by seeing Dean like this. All bells were ringing to do something, but he just could not move.

'Dean, what the hell you think you're doing?' he asked.

Stupid question. It was obvious.

Dean wanted to kill himself.

'You need to leave, Sam' Dean said with rough voice.

Sam didn't move.

Dean looked at him.

Sam even took a step back. Dean's look scared him like death. He looked so fragile and broken.

Sam felt guilt wash over him.

Dean is doing this because of his words? Were they so harsh that lead him to nearly commit suicide?

'Dean, put the knife down.' he said softly, stepping closer.

Dean just raised knife higher.

'No. Stay where you are. And leave.' he said.

Sam froze.

'Dean, what are you doing? Put the knife down, then we could talk.'

'You said enough, I get all of it well. Now leave me alone.'

'No. I won't leave. Now put that knife down, before you hurt yourself.'

Dean laughed.

'Like you care. By the way, it's gonna be better this way, for everyone'

Sam was in shock.

'Dean, the hell are you talking about? Please, you don't have to do this, put it down'

Dean closed his eyes for a second.

'No, don't you dare to say me that now. Don't you dare.'

'Dean, tell me, what's wrong, man, then...'

'What's wrong?' shouted Dean. 'Well, nothing is right here, Sam, I am wrong! You were all right, about me, you know, I'm nothing more than pathetic, worthless peace of shit. Don't know why I waited for so long, why I couldn't see the truth, but now I can. You finally opened my eyes, Sam, now I can see it all loud and clear. I don't deserve to live anymore. Not after what I did.'

Now Sam felt like shit full of shit. Like the biggest asshole in the whole world.

'Dean, don't talk like that, it's not true. You know that. Yeah, we made mistakes, everybody does. You deserve to live.'

Dean raised his eyes and looked into Sam.

Sam felt sick of his look. Dean was.. given up already. And so broken... he wanted to die.

'Dean, you didn't do anything!'

'Oh yeah? That's not what you said hours ago!'

Sam felt anger again. 'So it's my fault now?' he shouted and immediately realized that it was wrong thing to say.

'No. It's my fault.'

Sam shook his head.

Dean laughed.

'Damn it, Sam, don't pretend that you don't know. It is all my damn fault!' he shouted and finally broke up. 'If not me, you'd be ended up Stanford, Jess would be still alive, and you'd have that apple pie life you always wanted! I ruined that! Dad died because of me! And then you died, because I couldn't find you and run fast enough! And then I couldn't save you not from that bitch Ruby, not from Lucifer! I couldn't find a way to through you back from the Pit, couldn't bring your soul back normally! And then Bobby died, because I couldn't drive faster!' Dean was sobbing and crying now, tears streaming down his face.' And then I came back from Purgatory, and look! Again, I ruined up your life you found! I should have never come back not from Hell, not from Purgatory, so now you would be living apple pie life with Amelia! I ruined up that too! Then I was too weak to kill that damn hellhound, and you suffered instead of me. And then I let that psycho in! He killed Kevin, used you! Now Kevin is dead because of me! I'm so freaking poison, worthless and pathetic things, not surprising, that you hate me that much! Well, you're not alone in this!'

Sam felt like everything was crashing down. Dean was crying.

He was fucking crying.

And the things he said...

'Dean, it wasn't your fault. It should have happened anyways. And I don't hate you, I...'

'Stop lying!' Dean said quietly. It was worse than screaming.' Don't you dare lie to me. I know that you hate me; you already said that, I just don't understand, how you even can look at me? After all I did, all the things that I've done, to you... Y'know, you were right. I'm useless. And I don't deserve be your brother. Pathetic excuse for a brother. All you were right after all. You, Alastair, everyone. All I deserve is to burn in Hell for what I did. That's all I deserve. You were right about this.'

Dean's arms were shaking. He was sobbing, crying, couldn't control himself anymore. He felt like he was in the bottom of the blackest hole, with no way out.

'Sammy, I'm sorry. For ruining your life, for being such a shit, for everything. And I'm sorry, that you hate me. Y'know, I never, not even once thought, that my brother hates me so damn much that wants to see me dead, send me back to Hell. Was stupid to think like that. But I never thought that you could. I know, I am burden, that you don't want me around. Geez, you can't even look at me! I'm just sorry that it turned out like this. I should have died years ago. Don't know why you saved me. You shouldn't have.'

Dean raised knife higher.

'Everyone will be better off without me, especially you. With me dead, there will be no one to ruin up everything. I am broken too much. I just wish you won't hate me more because of this. I love you, Sammy.'

'Dean, NO! STOP!' Sam ran to Dean.

Dean raised knife and stabbed himself to the belly.

Blood rushed over.

Dean knelt down.

.

Dean was broken.

All that pain, memories, what he has done washed over him. He felt worthless, nothing and pathetic. Not worth saving, like Sam said. He can't take this guilt and pain anymore. It's just too damn hard. It's better to end it all.

He stabbed himself.

Felt pain wash over him.

Then he felt relief.

His vision started to blur, head was spinning, he heard blood rushing.

His knees buckled.

He felt life slowly draining away from him.

Then he felt strong arms around him. A voice, telling to hold on. That everything will be alright. A promise to love.

He just whispered ' Don't hate me... more. I love you, Sammy'

And then he just gave up, just let go, just like other voice was telling him to do.

To let go.

.

'Dean, no!'

Sam was right near him. He catch up falling Dean.

He with horror watched when he stabbed himself. Felt like every one of thing in his world was shattered.

'Dean?' he called.

There was no answer.

He held Dean close, hugged him, tears was streaming down his own face.

He looked at Dean.

He was pale, bloody and barely conscious.

'Dean, hey, hey, hey, man, stay with me, you hear me? Stay awake!' he screamed.

Dean said very quietly.

'Don't... hate me... more... I love... you... Sammy...'

Then he went limp in Sam' arms.

Sam felt sheer terror crawling up at him.

'No, no, no, no, no. Don't you dare do this to me, _don't you fucking dare!_ _I_ _love you_, damn it, I LOVE YOU, Dean, and don't you dare to leave me! I don't hate you, Dean, _I love you!_ Please, wake up!' Sam screamed, tears was falling down and crashing on Dean's shoulder.

There was no response.

Sam felt fear of losing Dean. But he gotta think straight.

He checked pulse and breathing. They were still there, but barely.

'Hold on, Dean, hold on. I'm not gonna leave you, I'm gonna take care of you now, big brother. Just, please, hold on.'

He grabbed Dean and ran straight to the car.

They needed hospital.

Now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Heeeey everyone! ****Sorry you have to wait that long for this new chapter! I have helluva work to do, so... Okay. This chapter isn't very long... but I'll write another as soon as I can, okay? Srr for mistakes ****:)****. GOOD reading! **

**Reviews are Always welcome ****:)**

**Chapter 4**

Sam was sitting in the emergency room.

He was driving into the hospital like all Hell was after him.

Dean was unconscious, was bleeding out, there was no time.

When he ran over there with Dean on his arms, since then, he didn't heard a word about him.

It was near 4 hours of waiting and praying, that Dean would be stll alive.

'Please be ok, please, don't die, please please please...'

Sam was shaking.

Memories washed into his head.

Dean telling all those things. Then stabbing himself. And then blood blood blood...

How long did Dean felt like this?

Guilt and pain was eating him alive.

And then he couldn't take it anymore.

He tried to kill himself.

If not Sam, he would be bleed out to death on the floor, if he wouldn't have come in when he did...

Sam sobbed.

Things that Dean said... it was awful. It wasn't his fault, but he blamed himself.

'And my words... all the things that I said to him, it had finally lead him to suicide. He said, that he deserves to burn in Hell, and few minutes earlier I told him, that he could go straight to Hell. He said fine. He thinks, that I hate him so much, that I want him dead. He doesn't want to live anymore. Now he wants to die. Oh God, I never thought, that my words were so harsh. Were they?'

'Sam?'

Sam stood up.

'I'm doctor PetaLee.'

'Howzmybrother?'

'His condition is pretty bad, critical, I'd say. He lost helluva blood, his kidney and liver are hurt pretty bad, even partially refuses to function. His lung collaped during operation, now he's on ventilator, he's too weak to breathe by himself yet. He's still uncounscious, we're monitoring him very closelly. There's a possability that he might split into coma. Anyways, his organism is very weak, apparently, he wasn't sleeping or eating for days. We can do nothing about it, just wait.'

'Is he gonna be alright?' Sam asked worriedly.

'I don't know, honestly. He's in bad shape, but if there won't be any complication, he should be fine.

'Thanks doc.'

Xcz

'Oh God...'

Sam went into Dean's room.

Dean looked terrible.

He was lying on the hispital's bed. He was so pale, that his skin look even angelic white. Except, there was nothing angelic.

He was on ventilator, mashine was breathing instead of him. Blood presure mashine. Heart minitor. There were blood AP, IV's, lot things Sam didn't know was what for.

Dean looked broken.

Like one foot in other world already.

Sam slumbed in the chair. Tears were again in his eyes.

'I'm sorry, Dean' he said. 'I am so damn sorry'


End file.
